Funny Facebook Status

X The way I feel when a waiter finally brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 15:54 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X Attractive female traffic cops should make it clear they are not strippers sent by your buddies BEFORE they tase me.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 15:55 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X It's important to have a good sense of humor right up until someone jokes about something you care about. Then it's okay to kick their ass!

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 15:59 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X Love 'em or hate 'em, you have to admit, Beyonce’ and J-Lo never do anything half-assed.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 16:00 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X is 25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan....Johnny Cash and Bob Hope..now we have Obama no Cash and no Hope....

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 16:01 Comments (0)

X says When the homeless guy who lives in the dumpster asks you to subscribe to his podcast, don't, just trust me on this

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 16:06 by flinnie Comments (0)

X OSHA has determined that the safe load capacity on my butt is 2, unless I install hand rails or safety straps. As you have arrived 6th in line behind my wife and boss to ride my @ss today, please wait patiently.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 16:28 Comments (0)

X Whenever I’m introduced to an old person I mentally add “osaurus” to their name.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 18:00 by Aaron Comments (0)

X is it rude to give a copy of photoshop at a baby shower? It’s just that I know what both parents look like they’re gonna need it

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 19:57 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)

X is renting a midget for Halloween.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 20:22 Comments (0)

X It is hard to pull off gangster with a toy poodle sitting in your lap.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 20:47 by Fat Alec Comments (0)

X wholeheartedly believes I am someone's "evil twin", and I'm totally cool with that. What bothers me is that there is a wholesome, "goody-goody" douchebag doppelganger, somewhere in the world that has the ability to pose as me!

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 20:50 Comments (0)

X Dear God, Please send some nice clothes for that poor lady in Daddy's computer who hasn’t got any. Love, Paul XXX

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 21:22 by Mick F Comments (0)

X says Giving up is the easiest thing you could ever do But holding it together when everything else falls apart thats true strength

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 21:27 by cjr Comments (0)

X is PSA: You may “love” your boyfriend, But we’d all appreciate it if you didn’t post it on Facebook every thirty seconds, thanks.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:01 by BEGO Comments (0)

X Tonight's dinner was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I made it using the recommended serving amounts indicated on the jars. Who came up with these standards...an Ethiopian?

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:02 by Delores Disenchanted Comments (0)

X is I unliked your status update you and your friends won’t shut the heck up!!

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:02 by BEGO Comments (0)

X is I liked you when we first met but, since then, you’ve talked me out of it.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:04 by BEGO Comments (0)

X is I'm sorry Real World.. I don't have time to get to know 7 more people.. My Fb is already full!

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:10 Comments (0)

X is Hey Reality, I've a extremely large list of people you've forgot to slap!

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:10 by BEGO Comments (0)