Funny Facebook Status

X The way I feel when a waiter finally brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 15:54 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X Attractive female traffic cops should make it clear they are not strippers sent by your buddies BEFORE they tase me.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 15:55 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X It's important to have a good sense of humor right up until someone jokes about something you care about. Then it's okay to kick their ass!

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 15:59 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X Love 'em or hate 'em, you have to admit, Beyonce’ and J-Lo never do anything half-assed.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 16:00 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X is 25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan....Johnny Cash and Bob Hope..now we have Obama no Cash and no Hope....

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 16:01 Comments (0)

X says When the homeless guy who lives in the dumpster asks you to subscribe to his podcast, don't, just trust me on this

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 16:06 by flinnie Comments (0)

X OSHA has determined that the safe load capacity on my butt is 2, unless I install hand rails or safety straps. As you have arrived 6th in line behind my wife and boss to ride my @ss today, please wait patiently.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 16:28 Comments (0)

X Whenever I’m introduced to an old person I mentally add “osaurus” to their name.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 18:00 by Aaron Comments (0)

X is it rude to give a copy of photoshop at a baby shower? It’s just that I know what both parents look like they’re gonna need it

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 19:57 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)

X is renting a midget for Halloween.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 20:22 Comments (0)

X It is hard to pull off gangster with a toy poodle sitting in your lap.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 20:47 by Fat Alec Comments (0)

X wholeheartedly believes I am someone's "evil twin", and I'm totally cool with that. What bothers me is that there is a wholesome, "goody-goody" douchebag doppelganger, somewhere in the world that has the ability to pose as me!

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 20:50 Comments (0)

X Dear God, Please send some nice clothes for that poor lady in Daddy's computer who hasn’t got any. Love, Paul XXX

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 21:22 by Mick F Comments (0)

X says Giving up is the easiest thing you could ever do But holding it together when everything else falls apart thats true strength

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 21:27 by cjr Comments (0)

X is PSA: You may “love” your boyfriend, But we’d all appreciate it if you didn’t post it on Facebook every thirty seconds, thanks.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:01 by BEGO Comments (0)

X Tonight's dinner was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I made it using the recommended serving amounts indicated on the jars. Who came up with these standards...an Ethiopian?

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:02 by Delores Disenchanted Comments (0)

X is I unliked your status update you and your friends won’t shut the heck up!!

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:02 by BEGO Comments (0)

X is I liked you when we first met but, since then, you’ve talked me out of it.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:04 by BEGO Comments (0)

X is I'm sorry Real World.. I don't have time to get to know 7 more people.. My Fb is already full!

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:10 Comments (0)

X is Hey Reality, I've a extremely large list of people you've forgot to slap!

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:10 by BEGO Comments (0)

Funny Facebook Status

X is Maan !! You're 20 years old & she's 15 years old, HOW COULD YOU CALL IT RELATIONSHIP ? IT'S BABYSITTING !

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:12 by BEGO Comments (0)

X is This is how my week goes mooooooooooooonday.. tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday... weeeeeeeeeeednesday... thuuuuuuuuuuursday.. fridaysaturdaysunday....

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:16 by BEGO Comments (0)

X is In kindergarden they call them cooties. in high school we call them STDs...

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:19 by BEGO Comments (0)

X is I have a lot of friends practicing law without a degree. They all want to judge me.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:20 by BEGO Comments (0)

X is You'll never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks. Rather keep biscuits in your pocket, feed the dogs & move ahead.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:21 by BEGO Comments (0)

X is Facebook is not the place to reveal your deepest darkest secrets. Your friends "like" you but they don't like you that much!

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:23 by BEGO Comments (0)

X is Mirror: You look amazing. Camera: I don't think so... Friends: Hey you, someone looks beautiful! Self-esteem: You're ugly.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:36 by BEGO Comments (0)

X adjusting your boxers does not constitute playing with yourself.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 22:56 by glmilhon Comments (0)

X is ever notice Michael Moore looks like Peter Griffin

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 23:14 Comments (0)

X says botox, hair dye, liposuction, firming body cream ...your only hope now is to find the fountain of intelligence

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-29-2011 01:32 Comments (0)

X is when someone says "Sh*t just got real!" does it mean everything was fake all along ? o_0

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-29-2011 01:43 Comments (0)

X is keep scrolling this one wont get you any likes..

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-29-2011 01:53 Comments (0)

X dear Friday, I'm ready..

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-29-2011 02:26 by gee Comments (0)

X says Its my birthday today and I am feeling so special even the supermarket doors are opening by themselves when they see me coming through.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-29-2011 03:01 by KISSTOPHER Comments (0)

X says I sometimes go to my own little world, but that’s okay, they know me there.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-29-2011 03:24 by stringg38 Comments (0)

X is trust is the most important part in any relationship

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-29-2011 04:02 Comments (0)

X is Trust is the most important part in relationship.'She' should trust him all the time...

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-29-2011 04:03 Comments (0)

X Everytime you tell someone they got a piece of food on the side of their face, they always start wiping the opposite side of where its located....then you just wanna punch them for still not getting it.

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-29-2011 04:28 by Danmanz Comments (0)

X You ever go to sleep late afternoon and wake up after dark....and you don't know what damn day it is?

<--Rate | Submitted: 09-29-2011 04:30 by Danmanz Comments (0)

X says If your sex manual says, "sex only in beds" you obviously have the Beginner’s Edition!

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<--Rate | Submitted: 09-29-2011 05:15 Comments (0)

Daily Funny Facebook Statuses

• The surest sign that intelligent life exists somewhere else in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
• There’s a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it isn’t a fence.
• The really long sarcastic ‘Hahahahahaha’ before the ‘No.’
• Hmm… these weren’t skinny jeans when I bought them.
• Your beauty is so rare, nobody can find it.
• “Kidnapping” is such a strong word. I prefer to think of it as “Surprise Adoption”
• Saying,” OH YEAH I REMEMBER ” when you really don’t.
• Volleyball is just a more intense game of “Don’t let the balloon touch the floor” (115+Likes in 19 minutes – Source: Funny Status Update Fan Page)
• “Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
• I no longer jump to conclusions because it hurts my back.
• A friend is someone who’s there when he needs you.
• I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.
• It isn’t the pace of life that concerns me. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
• Many a wife thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.
• I am actually quite pleasant until I’m awake.
• Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
• Like sands through the hourglass, Facebook wastes the days of our lives.
• I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one. (VIA Twitter:@FreeFunnyStuff)
• The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.